Sexuality part 1: figuring it out

In the first of many posts about sexuality and relationships, the Dork interviews Leo and Scamp about their experiences with figuring themselves out…

The Dork: When did you realise you were bi/gay? And why/how?

Leo: I first realised I was gay when I had feelings for guys I had never had before…and I didn’t have those feelings for girls.

The Dork: Would you say you’re gay then or bi?

Leo: It took me a while to find out that I actually liked men because I was always surrounded by GUY + GIRL all the time, so I actually thought there was something wrong with me.

Well, now I’d say I’m bi.

But that’s another story.

Scamp: Errrrm….I always had lusty feelings about guys and emotional ones about girls, but I realised when the emotional girl feelings stopped.

Leo: I basically had the same thing but for girls a lot later (which was a total mindfuck).

Scamp: I tried to force myself to be attracted to girls but I got lazy and gave up…

The Dork: So after you’d realised, personally how was it dealing with this discovery?  Did you find it difficult?

Leo: I found it very difficult to accept that I liked guys, and I knew that I would get picked on a lot when people found out, so I kept it secret for about 2/3 years.

This was horrible because I felt like I was always hiding something from my best friends.

Scamp: I was openly bisexual just as I was leaving school because I met friends I trusted but after a year or so I started meeting other gay people and I just realised no one was judgemental anymore and I just got a lot more comfortable.

The Dork: In terms of acting on your attractions… did either of you do anything with a member of the same sex when you were coming to terms with who you were, or was it easier to do so once you were comfortable with being gay/bi?

Scamp: I’d say that trying everything helped me find out for definite who I was.

Leo: I didn’t do anything because no one knew and there was… no one to do anything with.

The Dork: Have you done anything since out of curiosity?

Leo: Yes, with girls, after my brain decided to confuse me again…

Scamp: I’ve done………….plenty…

The Dork: Have you guys been bullied and stuff over things? How’d you get past it?

Scamp: Very minimally. The day as I was leaving school, I ignored them and walked away and I never saw them again.

Leo: Well, I told about 3 friends at first and one of them told someone else etc and it spread like fire. When I got to school people were asking me questions, so I was honest, it started off as most guys just picking on me all the time.

I honestly found that already… Hurtful, but then people started really bullying me, and this was a big group of guys, because most of my year were picking on me, some were definitely worse than others. I got beaten up a few times walking home from school, people would just throw stuff at me during lunch, it got to a point where I really didn’t want to live anymore, and it wasn’t just sitting there wishing I was dead, I went out of my way to try making sure I wouldn’t be alive for much longer.

And I couldn’t tell my family about it.

Then my last year at the school it got much better, maybe some people realized how horrible they were. I’m not sure why the really violent stuff stopped but it just did. Then I moved to Switzerland. At first I was petrified the same shit would happen all over again, but it didn’t.

The most I’ve ever gotten since then is stupid remarks, but I don’t care about it anymore.

The Dork: I guess another question is how you both feel now?

Leo: comfortable with my sexual orientation and confident about it and sometimes even proud, when I’m reading stuff about the LGBT rights movement or whatever like when I watched “Milk”, I basically cried and thought wow, these people went through so much so that we can live more comfortably.

What are your experiences with sexuality? Did you have any problems/concerns or was it mostly smooth sailing? Or maybe you just want to add to what our bloggers have said. Let us know in the comments!

What does music mean? (To me at least!)

Our second blog today sees Leo discuss all things music, particularly what it means to him personally. It’s fair to say music is a big thing for a lot of teens, you’ll see them all plugged up to iPods, boogying away in a corner or something. But without further ado, we shall hand things over to Leo…

Ever since I was little I had always been interested in music, I remember going through my dad’s vinyl record collection and picking out my favourites like Stevie Wonder and Bob Marley. Although people would usually associate my music taste with punk and metal, I’ve always loved other genres of music, like jazz and reggae for example. So we all know that we tend to prefer music that sounds good to us… but what does music really mean? In this blog post I’m going to try to explain what music means to me and why I’ve always felt so attached (almost addicted) to it.

First and foremost, listening to music always makes me feel more comfortable, whether that means listening to Machine Head and making me feel better when I’m down, or listening to Bad Manners when I’m in a good mood. Most people stick to genres of music that changes how they feel, in a positive way, or music that goes with whatever mood they may be in. This all seems fairly obvious, so now I’m going to try to explain how I feel when I listen to or play music – something I find very difficult doing since I’m not good at doing so with words…

Whenever I listen to music I really enjoy it, I feel almost as if my heart is burning, that intense feeling you get when you think about someone you love. I guess that means I’m in love with music…When I’m feeling really angry, I usually listen to metal – stuff like Slipknot and DevilDriver, which seems too tame and put of those flames inside (sounds incredibly deep doesn’t it?) That burning feeling I get when I’m angry isn’t pleasant and has often led me to do bad things (which I won’t mention in this post), so when the music I listen to or play gets rid of some of that feeling, it calms me down a lot. When I’m feeling down I tend to listen to… well… sad songs (didn’t see that coming did you!). These songs usually tend to be stuff like Bullet for My Valentine or even Tokio Hotel (well, their old stuff anyways…) So when I’m feeling really down, instead of having that burning feeling inside, I feel uncomfortably empty. There’s a song called “Deafening Silence” by Machine Head which describes this feeling incredibly well (and is one of my favourite songs to listen to when I’m in a bad mood…) So this emptiness just feels…wrong, it makes me feel uneasy. When I listen to a song that pretty much relates to feeling sad, the emptiness goes away a little, it’s as if stuff entered my brain so I can now have a distraction to the way I feel. When I’m in a good mood, I feel energetic and very hyperactive (something my teachers don’t seem to appreciate much!) In these moods I just want to DO STUFF whatever that may be. In these moods I like listening to Blues or Motown or Ska. Other genres such as Salsa and Zouk (a genre of music from the French West Indies) really get me going and emphasize how much I want to jump around and act stupid. Pop-punk like Blink 182 and Sum 41 also makes me feel hyperactive and…bubbly.

So that’s what goes on inside my head and body when I’m listening to music, but what about when I’m playing music? I play piano, drums, guitar and bass guitar (although my bass skills aren’t great yet). On piano I play mostly Jazz and Blues, on drums mostly punk, metal and rock and on guitar and bass, the same as drums. So yeah, I really enjoy my music. Playing music REALLY lets those little evil dwarfs inside of me, as opposed to listening to music, which just calms them down. When I play music I feel as if I’m high. Many musicians have described the awesome feelings you get whilst playing an instrument and it’s something that I start craving if I haven’t played an instrument in a while (that’s where I say I feel addicted to music). When I’m on the way home, coming from a two week holiday where I’ve only been able to listen to music but not actually play any instruments, I genuinely sit in the car… craving for the moment I’ll be able to bang on the drums again or go crazy on the guitar. You know those little dwarfs inside my head I mentioned? Well when I REALLY want to play music they’re banging on my skull and jumping up and down, telling me how much they want me to play an instrument (so I guess I always have an audience when I play music…) And when I finally do as they please, they calm down and just listen. Sometimes they make little tunes or background music that I’ll be playing along to, if I’m not playing along to any music playing out loud.

So to sum up everything I’ve said, not only are you readers now convinced I am insane, you hopefully also know how much music means to me, and what I see in it. To me music is the one thing that makes me feel like someone out there understands me, and understands why I’m feeling the way I do about something. Sometimes I find it hard to tell exactly what I’m feeling and why, but there is ALWAYS music out there that seems to sort the mess out and make me feel more certain about what exactly I’m feeling and why.

What does music mean to you exactly? Let us know! Have you ever had a concert like no other? A song that just gets you in a million ways?

Meet The Bloggers – Q&A.

In the first of a few interviews coming to you, Teenage Chatterings are introducing our bloggers to you. Our super six today are Tinkerbell, Bananie, Roldi, Liacakes, Leo and Eddie. No idea why they’ve all got such a random array of names? Pop over to the ‘Meet The Team’ section and you’ll understand a little better. But down to business, let’s meet some of our bloggers.

Of course one of the things most important is why the bloggers are getting involved with Teenage Chatterings. So they were asked firstly why they are getting involved? Whilst also being quizzed about what they hope to achieve, while blogging on the site?

Eddie: Because I don’t have enough to do this summer over the webcomic, 2 cosplays, college work and an online shop. Kidding ;P I figured it would be a good chance to express myself and share ideas I have about the world. A lot of crazy stuff has happened over my short life and I don’t doubt it will keep happening if I have any say in it, but it would be nice to share my experiences with people outside of the small corner of the internet I inhabit. And maybe, if my writing isn’t too terrible, I’ll put a smile on someone’s face 🙂

Leo: My main aim is to write and talk about things other people can relate to. I know that I certainly enjoy reading or listening to someone else say what I’m thinking. I’d like to get more comfortable writing my feelings and thoughts out so that others can read them, as it’s something I’ve never really done before.

Tinkerbell: It sounded like a really good idea, and I like the thought of being able to influence younger teenagers’ (at 18, I’m practically a granny already, right?) lives in a positive way.  I think the main thing I’m trying to achieve here is that I’m really hoping to improve my writing and get better at the whole “blogging” thing, and hopefully increase my confidence a little too. 🙂

Liacakes: I’m getting  involved with Teenage Chatterings because I love writing,  sharing opinions and being able to talk  about things with people.  I hope to be able to have great chattering with other people who have the same interests.

Roldi: It sounded pretty cool!

Bananie: In this whole adventure I really want to know and understand the ideas and pressures of journalism. While my main focus is on the performing arts, I also take an interest in different forms of journalism. This would be a step to knowing and learning more, rather than sitting at my computer looking up random nothings on the internet! But honestly, don’t we all?

So, we now know why this lot are on board! Perhaps what is important for you as a reader is to know what to expect from their postings. Therefore the next question posed to our bloggers was, what can we expect from your blogging?

Leo: Spontaneity (is that the right word? being spontaneous..), perhaps a bit of rambling or what’s going on in my head (organised slightly) converted into words!

Liacakes: I like  writing movie reviews and posting pictures of places I’ve been and enjoyed. To be honest with you, I don’t even know what I can expect from my blogging.

Eddie: I’ll probably blog a lot about the more creative side of things, things that inspire me (or annoy me) and issues that teenagers have to deal with every now and then. If you want specifics; I’m really into sewing, making things in general, robotics, Steampunk, comics, art, and gaming, so that’s probably what you’ll hear about most.

Bananie: My blogging? I can guarantee that at some point I will be random and/or crazy. Hey, I never said I was normal!

Tinkerbell: All over the place. But you can expect to hear about veganism, tasty food, health, steampunk, tea, chocolate, amongst other things. I can be quite serious at times. But I can also be a bit weird and crazy. I’m not really sure, to be honest. Just expect… the unexpected?

Roldi: You can expect new ideas and a different perspectives on topics.

Odd bunch aren’t they? Nevertheless they’ll be interesting for sure. Anyway, now we know why they’re here and what to expect, it’s time to learn a little bit more about them. That’s why our next question to them was, what they consider to be their biggest accomplishment or what is something they are most proud of? 

Roldi: It’d be finishing school and going to university.

Eddie: My biggest accomplishment… That’s really hard, because there are so many cool things I’ve done that I rank as ‘that thing I did once’. I’ve taught myself to sew, to draw, to be semi-computer literate, I can almost ride a unicycle, hell I was even on TV for like 5 seconds… Everything kinda merges together to make me, so I guess that’s my answer. Totally lame answer but I’m sticking to it.

Leo: I’m most proud of when people feel comfortable with me, say I’m easy to talk to and helpful.

Tinkerbell: I don’t even… I don’t think I really HAVE a big accomplishment. *ponders* … Well I’m not doing too horrendously at school. I suppose that’s an achievement. And going vegan is something I’m proud of, but I wouldn’t say that’s necessarily an accomplishment.

Bananie: My biggest accomplishment to me has probably been being able to play Chopin on the piano! I love playing and hearing his music! It can be surprisingly relaxing, despite the many frustrations involved in practicing it.

Liacakes: At the moment, I suppose it’s actually surviving this long!

A talented bunch they are! Of course blogging can be a place where real life experiences are expressed or touched upon. It may be a place to reflect or talk of those who mean a lot to you. Thus the next question asked our bloggers what means most to them, whether it people, places or just general things!

Tinkerbell: The Lord of the Rings because dcfvbvc it’s amazing and the story is so inspiring and Tolkien was a genius. Like, I really love how rich and detailed the whole world he created is. Also my friends mean the world to me because they are all amazing.

Liacakes: My friends and family mean the world to me, as well as my boyfriend and maybe most of all, my guitar. They inspire me and help me through the tough times.

Roldi: My friends and Brazil.

Leo: Listening to what other people have to say and expressing myself.

Bananie: Close friends and family, because I feel like I can never go wrong with them. My drama necklace, because it always reminds me of what I’m working towards. And just because I’m on the subject of drama, actors and actresses, because they remind me, again, of what I’m working towards!

Eddie: I think my family and friends mean the most to me, as cheesy as it sounds. My family have taught me to be accepting of everyone and instilled in me a desire to create. My friends, old and new, have supported me through everything and indulged my crazy ideas. I wouldn’t be who I am today without them.  As for places, I like to go up to the park near my house sometimes and sit on the swings to watch the sun set and the clouds turn pretty colours. It’s time when I can just swing and listen to my music and chill, especially if I’m stressed out.

Well we’re getting to know them know I feel, the questions have been a bit deep and searching thus far. So how about we turn that on its head and ask, do you have a weird habit? Or an endearing little oddity? (This could be interesting…)

Tinkerbell: I have been known to meow occasionally, and will bite if you upset me.

Eddie: Well uuh… I have a length of ribbon that I carry around… It’s a comfort thing, I wouldn’t consider it ‘endearing’… Also I still sleep with soft animals. Most of which I made myself.

Leo: Temporary hyperactiveness!

Roldi: Blowing bubbles with my spit.

Bananie: Endearing little oddity…. Well, I guess I AM an oddity, but as for the habits, I have none that I can think of that is weird, or endearing

Liacakes: I will give you a sarcastic comment as a reply to any question that I’m asked. It’s not really endearing, mostly just annoying.

Some charming ones there, truly charming. There may be slightly sarcasm in that tone! But nevertheless we certainly have a unique bunch on board. One of the things we hope our bloggers can achieve whilst writing and posting for ‘Teenage Chatterings’ is a platform for future success. If the blog can get people somewhere, whilst being a good read – then it’s been a success. So our last question is, what do our bloggers want to do when they’re older?

Liacakes: I would love to be an actress or a singer-songwriter who shares her song with the world.  I would also love to be the lead singer of an otherwise all male alt. rock or pop punk band (and possibly open for Muse)

Bananie: I guess when I’m older I want to be an actress. But if not that then just generally something to do with Theatre or movies. Wow, I really sound like a Drama person. I have other interests, I promise!!

Roldi: Fly first/business class wherever I go.

Leo: To be in a band, whether that means being in a band and also having a job, or just being in a band.

Eddie: I want to become a goldsmith, most likely through an apprenticeship. At the moment I’m doing an art course at college, when that’s finished I’ll do an art foundation course and then start looking for apprenticeships. There’s a shop in Swindon called Deacon’s, I went up there to visit the workshop while I stayed with my nan when I was 15, and it’s where I made two pendants and a ring. I gave the ring to my mum because I promised her the first ring I made would be hers, and I kept the pendants, one of which I wear all the time. Hopefully I can get an apprenticeship there, but if not I’ll probably look around the London area or Birmingham.

Tinkerbell: I would very much like to be a famous actress.  Or perhaps be a director or stage manager… or a writer… or a supermodel (if only I wasn’t so short)…I really don’t know.

That concludes our first round of interviews, hopefully you’ve enjoyed learning about a few of our bloggers here and are now really looking forward to their first posts! In the coming week, all being well, we will bring you interviews with our other bloggers and you can get to know them too! Otherwise, a warm welcome to our chatterers – it’s a pleasure to have them all on board.